Oh! My English

Oh! My English
Ever since I started scripting
and lettering characters, I developed a convention of using dialect twisters to
bewilder and bamboozle my readers if my sagacity, intellect or wisdom presumes
that the theme is not persuasive, credible or compelling as much as it is
adequate to substantiate or corroborate curiosity, significance or attention in
them.
If you thought that was
confusing and as much ridiculous, mind you, it was intentional. What I just
wanted to say was this… “Ever since I
started writing, I developed a habit of using tongue twisters to confuse my
readers if I feel that the subject is not convincing enough to evince interest
in them
”.
Some writers do have the habit
of using confusing words, which really put the reader in a fix as to what exactly
would have the writer meant. Some words in English are so confusing that it
makes us conjure up little naughty meanings when we first read them, only to
get these images shattered when we search for their actual meanings.

I have to admit that when I heard
the word “Oompah” for the first time, I connected it to the Oomph factor,
honestly not realizing that it relates to the rhythmical sound of brass musical
instruments in a band.
Now that I have decided to be
naughty in my post, let me list out some really naughty words, and here we go.

1.     If I
called you a SEXTON,
surely you would be offended assuming that I am referring to you as someone
capable of over a 1000 sex acts. Check out the real meaning and realize that a
sexton is an officer of a church, charged with its maintenance. Now I am sure,
you are going to bless me for calling you a sexton.
2.    Would
you be happy if I use the words VAGITUS in
public. Of course you won’t be, assuming that I am absolutely indecent to talk
about vajayjay, unless you have known that it means the crying of a new born
baby.
3.    Last
night, while I was talking to a friend, and I was not quite audible to her. She
asked me the reason, and I said that’s because of the MASTICATION. I
have no idea why she banged the phone down. I need to call her back to tell her
that it means to chew food by which the food is crushed and ground by the
teeth.
4.    I
can’t be that offensive to use the word COPULA
without assuming that people would start thinking how could I ever manage to
say copulate when I am busy doing it. Who would try to explain to them that it
is a word which is used to link the subject of a sentence with a predicate? How
could I ever say, “The sky is Blue” without using the copula “is”?
5.    I
would certainly pardon anyone for assuming that HUMPPA is
slang for Humping, though I know any one wouldn’t mind dry humping any one if
they are cute enough. Unless you are Finnish, you wouldn’t perhaps know that it is a kind
of music related to jazz from Finland.
6.    Even
my wife would look upon me with suspicion if I tell her that I am going to get
her a SUCCULOMETER. It
need to be wide guess to assume that it is a device used to measure the
moisture in processed vegetables and not a device used to gauge one’s enjoyment
or effectiveness.
7.    I
would sound macho if I tell her that she smells MUSKY.
Unless of course, I try to inform that it is the smell of the reddish brown
substance secreted by the male deer when marking their territory.
8.     I
would not be permitted of course to use the word PENETRANCE. Does
it not sound like a combination of penetration and entrance? I need to clarify
that it refers to the proportion of people with a particular genetic change who
exhibit signs and symptoms of a genetic disorder.
9.     We
would raise an eyebrow if our little kid ran home and told us that he knew what
is TITTLE. Now,
don’t start feigning ignorance, you know exactly what it sounds like. It was
just that our kid had learnt in her English grammar class that it means the
superscript dot over the lower case “i” or “j”.
10.If I
ever have to refer to the word COXSACKIE, I
would not be surprised if is assumed to be the whole package down there. How in
anyone’s wildest dreams were one to assume that it is a small state in
upstate New York.
I am sorry; I may never use
these words. It’s not my fault but this silly language doesn’t quite know
whether it’s coming or going.

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