I killed Jesus

As people across the world in Christian faith pray on the holy day of Good Friday and get ready to rejoice on his resurrection on Easter day, how many of us have the courage to see ourselves to be the one who is responsible for the nails in his hands, the stripes in his flesh.

I sin; and my sins are responsible for killing Jesus. I continue to sin and I kill him every single day.

Every character in the Christ’s passion and death in the gospel of Matthew is in me.

I am the apostle

I’m so prone to give in to laziness without even putting up a fight against the pull of distractions. I just close my eyes and sleep.

I am the apostle, sleeping in the Garden of Gethsemane (Matthew 26:40).

I am Judas

My heart is so fickle and weak that sometimes my commitment to being a true friend to those who trust me is blown off on the whim of an emotion.

I am Judas, who may be both “friend” and “betrayer” (Matthew 26:46-50).

I am Caiaphas

I want concrete signs and proof to trust someone over humble faith, wanting my needs answered my way.

I am Caiaphas, the high priest, wanting Jesus to prove himself to me (Matthew 26:63).

I am Peter

I deny help to the homeless and choose to look away, denying the truth when I am afraid of being judged and condemned by those around me.

I am Peter, who may sometimes deny Jesus (Matthew 26:72).

I am the Crowd

I may rob people with deceit and corruption, but I try to raise my voice against a petty thief; and I say it again and again though I know I myself have sinned.

I am in the crowd yelling, “Crucify him” (Matthew 27:21-23).

I am Barabbas

Whenever I may be punished for my mistakes, I try to put the blame on others to suffer the punishment for my sins; being silent and be imprisoned in the conscience of my own pride forgetting even to thank them.

I am Barabbas, happy to have Christ take my place (Matthew 27:26).

I am Pilate

I’m ready to wash my hands of my mistakes at the slightest pretext possible, instead of pursuing virtue over mediocrity.

I am Pilate, wanting to give up when life is too challenging (Matthew 27:24).

I am Simon of Cyrene

I would accept my fault if I am caught, but would never admit my errors on my own; grudgingly taking the cross only if it’s placed on my shoulders.

I am Simon of Cyrene, who would suffer reluctantly (Matthew 27:32).

I am the passer-by

I forget all the good deeds of others so quickly, following suit when popular opinion about them changes; in a brief moment of pain, forgetting all my gratitude to be replaced by resentment.

I am the passer-by, who mocked Jesus while he was hanging on the cross (Matthew 27:30).

I am one of the Roman soldiers

I am a part of the mistakes for which others are punished, but still pass my judgement for their punishment knowing fully well that I was one of the reasons.

I am one of the Roman soldiers who nailed him to that cross (Matthew 27:35).

I killed Jesus.

Wish I could be….

The centurion (Matthew 27:54)

Wish my heart swells with the truth that others took up my fault and the punishment. Wish this knowledge bring me peace and resignation to amend my life.

The woman standing by the cross (Matthew 27:55-56)

Wish I could be always faithful and true to those who trust me. Wish I could always stay close to all those who are my strength.

Joseph of Arimathea (Matthew 27:59)

Wish I could be selflessly compassionate, putting others’ needs before my own. Wish I could use my life, time and talent in the service of others.

Wish I could be the reason he rose from the dead.

Credits: With inputs from “I killed Jesus” by Christina Mead

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